the story of my life...

"i feel like pandora had a sense of humor just then. that was the longest commercial i’ve ever..."

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 21:11:25 -0800

““i feel like pandora had a sense of humor just then. that was the longest commercial i’ve ever heard, followed by ‘mo’ money, mo’ problems.’ “”

- jer, on my pandora station

pork garnish.

Tue, 30 Aug 2011 07:45:32 -0700

(setting: the kitchen, 8pm on monday night. with jer’s new schedule, i’ve been cooking more lately & spent this particular evening making homemade vegetable lentil soup. it wasn’t vegan on purpose, but i like to consume protein in forms other than meat a few times per week.)

jer: “smells good. what’s for dinner?”

jess: “i made lentil soup! taste it & see if i should add anything.”

jer: (rummages through the fridge, produces a tupperware of leftover pulled pork) “here! can we put pork in it?”

jess: “umm…” (stares at the pork.) “really? you want to add pork?”

jer: (realizing maybe the soup is vegan & maybe that was on purpose) “well…maybe we can just garnish it with pork?”

jess: (laughing) “yes. please feel free to garnish your soup with pork. just don’t touch my bowl.”

sometimes i forget we have different dietary requirements.

chore charts.

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 09:39:00 -0700

(setting: thursday afternoon. i have just arrived home to a sparkly-clean house that smells of pinesol, lysol & general cleanliness.)

jess: “thanks for cleaning house. everything looks great.”

jer: “no problem.”

jess: “is there anything you didn’t get to that i can do? how are you feeling about division of labor?”

jer: “i’m thinking of getting a chore chart for the fridge. put up some gold stars when you help.”

jess: (kind of excited) “ooh! i could work for gold stars!”

jer: (long pause) “…what if there’s a mr. yuck sticker?”

apparently i should do more around the house. noted.

no one can resist people mag.

Wed, 03 Aug 2011 13:45:04 -0700

yesterday, while making dinner:

jess: “hey, did you read the article in my people mag where they’re talking about possible actresses for a sex & the city prequel?

jer: “no. i can’t believe you actually READ those articles. i thought you just looked at the pictures.”

today, out of nowhere:

jer: “what!? these are terrible choices! if it’s a prequel, they’re not supposed to be MORE fabulous!”

my p-i-m-p.

Fri, 05 Nov 2010 11:07:04 -0700

as we’re getting ready to go for our usual post-work, pre-dinner run, jer puts on his headphones, turns on dre’s the chronic and says, “i don’t think i’m gonna run today…i think i’ll pimp-walk.”

stessica reunion 2010: coming to pdx in march

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 07:57:11 -0800

(setting: me, at work, wrapping up a long day of meetings with my danish boss & the rest of the marketing team, when i get a text from stefani.)

ste: mose.

(long pause while i ponder what T9 might have interpreted to be mose. i come up with the obvious answer & text back.)

ssica: wenis?

ste: (immediate reply) exactly!

ssica: god, i miss you. come to pdx now.

ste: ha. i wanted to say the cardigans at nordstrom make me miss you.

if you see two highly intoxicated girls running around downtown pdx on or around st. patrick’s day, you should buy us a drink & call us stessica. <3

customer appreciation.

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 10:10:16 -0800

(setting: our apt, early evening. jer’s in the laundry room; jess is in the living room going through mail.)

jess: (mumbles to herself) “oh, that’s nice. i got a gift card for famous footwear.”

jer: (calling from the laundry room) “gift card? from who?”

jess: “…famous footwear.”

jer: (walks into the living room) “and why would they send you a gift card?”

jess: “hmm…” (purses her lips & cocks her head to give jer a sassy look) “for being an excellent customer?”

jer: (rolls his eyes) “how many shoes do you have that i don’t know about? do you keep them at work? somehow i see your office looking like carrie’s closet…” (yes, he made a sex & the city reference. he’s a fabulous husband.)

"somebody just walked by in heels & both kitties perked up with anticipation."

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 16:58:58 -0800

“somebody just walked by in heels & both kitties perked up with anticipation.”

- jer. even my cats know me by my shoes…and i LOVE it.

chores.

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 21:50:00 -0800

every time i feel the sharp poke of a kitty nail (frequently), i’m reminded that i should clip the cats’ claws. except i HATE that job. they’re squirmy, i’m unsteady, someone’s going to lose a finger. so, i got home tonight…and no nails when mimi jumped up to say hello!

jess: “hey! did you cut their nails!?”

jer: “yep.”

jess: (feeling mimi’s toes) “even the back ones?”

jer: (clearly proud of himself) “yep, even the back ones…even the THUMBY back ones…”

i burst into laughter, but was still secretly impressed. the thumby back ones are a bitch.

make yourselves useful...

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 09:20:00 -0700

after the indulge event last night, i was in the mood for a bubble bath. jer was working late, it was a thursday night & i wasn’t quite ready for bed yet. i grabbed a glass of wine, the new vanity fair and ran a super-hot, super-bubbly bath. i had just gotten in & settled back to read when i saw a black spider come crawling across the floor. really? it was big enough that i was going to need to get a shoe to kill it, which meant getting out of the bath, grabbing a shoe from the bedroom & then returning, at which point there was an 89% chance the spider would be nowhere to be found.

i let out an annoyed sigh, when suddenly max came creeping into the bathroom, her nose on the floor, following the spider. she stretched out one paw & smacked the spider, not killing it, but wounding it so it couldn’t really run anymore. i watched her playfully bat at it for another two or three minutes, until she killed it. once it stopped moving, she lost interest & left the bathroom in pursuit of another adventure.

mimi, who had been precariously batting at bubbles from the edge of the tub, saw the dead spider in the middle of the floor after max left, promptly jumped down, ate the spider & licked the floor where it had been.

i have never seen them be more useful. not only did i not have to sacrifice a shoe to kill the spider, i didn’t have to clean up the smashed guts or even get out of the bath. turns out they’re more than just pretty faces…

love is not the only universal language...

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 15:53:26 -0700

(setting: the vp of marketing was in town from denmark last week to meet with the americas team & finalize 2h marketing plans. it also happens that her husband is turning 50 this month & she’s throwing a 50s-themed party, complete with a rented pink cadillac & 50s band. naturally, it’s a costume party, so she was looking forward to doing some vintage shopping downtown. friday after work, i offered to go shopping with her.)

jessica: “where do you want to go? any place specific you saw online?”

elizabeth: “yes. i picked this one because it says ‘excellent selection with very high prices.’” (everything is ridiculously expensive in DK & elizabeth dresses well, so this does not strike me as unusual.)

(we shut down our computers, head out the door & make small talk while stuck in traffic for a bit. it’s 5pm downtown on a friday night, so parking spaces are sparse. usually VOCALLY against parking in garages, i decide walking 15 blocks when she’s still wearing heels is a bad idea & pull into the garage three blocks from where we’re going.)

elizabeth: “whoa. it’s just like the movies.” (starts making hitchcock-esque, shower-scene stabbing noises) “eek! eek! eek!”

jessica: (rather surprised by the serial-killer reaction) “really? like the movies? don’t tell me you don’t have parking garages in denmark?”

elizabeth: (quite matter-of-factly) “ah yes, we do, but they’re underground.”

jessica: “you have UNDERGROUND garages & you think this is creepy?! this one has windows! there’s daylight! underground is way creepier.”

(we park the car & enter the vintage store, a very short three blocks away. we browse around through musty old clothing, some of it very cool, some of it hideous.)

jessica: (picks up one of the ugliest, poofiest, gaudiest dresses in the store to show to elizabeth.) “here! you could wear this.”

elizabeth: (laughs) “riiight.”

jessica: (looks at label) “oh, wow, it’s vintage dolce.”

elizabeth: (surprised, but impressed) “really? let me see it…”

(i hold it up & we both stand back to look at it, in all it’s hideous glory. it’s still ugly, but being vintage designer makes it instantly more appealing.)

& there you go. our parking garages may be different types of creepy, we may struggle to communicate sometimes & we may have a 15-year age difference, but style is a language every woman, from any continent, can understand.

they never grow up...

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 15:55:00 -0700

(setting: gmail chat, having a conversation about what to get our nephew for his birthday.)

jess: “so, i’ve been thinking about what one-year-old boys like…”

jer: “tits.”

jess: “and i came up with tonka trucks.”

jer: “ages 1-death, actually.”

jess: “well, good, now i know what to get you next year for your birthday.”

_________

(post lunch run to target)

jess: “i ended up with a very large tonka truck, since they don’t sell tits at target.”

jer: “good second pick.”

"just wrote mad pig cock in my little letters treats"

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 10:27:04 -0700

“just wrote mad pig cock in my little letters treats”

- stefani, being oh-so-creative with her 100-calorie packs of alphabet crackers

"well, he’s gonna have hairy ears when he’s old."

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 09:02:25 -0700

““well, he’s gonna have hairy ears when he’s old.””

- doctor, upon examining jer’s ears during his physical.

if i lose my job, this is what you’ll find me doing…

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 08:00:30 -0700

if i lose my job, this is what you’ll find me doing…

city wildlife.

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 17:23:51 -0700

i LOVE dc. i’m reasonably certain i was meant to have been born an east-coaster. between dc, nyc & atlanta, i could be happy for a long time. there are so many things that are just different enough to feel like the east coast is worlds away from the west coast.

at any rate, sam took me out to see the town on saturday night, after i dropped luggage in my hotel room. we had just finished an epic dinner of delicious ethopian food & were meandering through the neighborhoods while sam chain smoked british cigarettes & i blabbed his ear off. as dusk fell, we were right near a patch of grass & i saw little flickers of light.

jess: “omg! fireflies! LOOK!”

sam: “yep, they have fireflies out here. i forget if it’s a mating technique or a ‘stay-the-fuck-away-from-me-i’m-poison’ technique.”

jess: (literally staring, open-mouthed, trying to resist the urge to catch one) “wow! there are a ton of them!” (suddenly notices a small movement from the bushes & watches a small animal creep across the grass.) “HEY! sam, look! what kind of animal is that?!”

sam: (looks at me like he can’t really believe i’m asking this question) “um…that’s…a rat, jess.” (the giant city rat immediately stands up on its back two feet & lets out a very ratty squeal.)

for the record, i was really fixated on the fireflies. and it didn’t look very ratty from far away. and it was dusk. stop judging me.

"so my friend left a vhs of star trek at my house…"

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 15:02:00 -0700

““so my friend left a vhs of star trek at my house…””

- cindy.

i DIED laughing. she tried to explain & i wouldn’t let her. i’m sure it was the start to a story, but i don’t want to know WHY there was a VHS of star trek. i just want to let that phrase stand alone.

cindy’s response:
A) You are a bitch.
B) There were two of them.

cheese popcorn, breakouts & my period.

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 07:57:13 -0700

(setting: sunday night, 10pm, watching sex&the city in bed. jer is eating cheese popcorn, straight out of the bag. jer eats popcorn in such a way that, of any given handful, approximately 63% of it makes it into his mouth. that’s better than half, but not by much. furthermore, i’m not a HUGE fan of food in bed. couch? fine. bed? i’m undecided.)

jess: (watching disdainfully as aforementioned 37% of handful of cheese popcorn misses jer’s mouth & falls on the covers.) “hmm. if i wake up with a breakout, i’m going to blame you eating cheese popcorn in bed.”

jer: (through his mouthful of popcorn) “oh yeah? i was going to blame your period.”

jess: “really? REALLY?!”

jer: “yeah. think about it. i ate cheese popcorn in bed, BUT it’s period time too. that’s a pretty strong argument against the breakout being caused by cheese popcorn.”

MY fleet...

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 09:23:08 -0700

with the fabulous summer weather we’ve been having, jer & i have picked up one of my favorite summertime activities: after-dinner bike rides. doesn’t matter where we’re going, if i’m on my bike, i’m happy.

(setting: just a couple of blocks from our apt, approaching the first stop sign. jer almost always leads the way, since i’m pretty much like a seven-year-old on a bike - i’m waaay too concerned with looking at scenery than watching for cars.)

approaching the first stop sign, as we lay on the brakes, we hear a very loud “scrreeeeeeech….”.

jer: (immediately turns around with a horrified look on his face) “was that YOU?!”

jess: (already knowing that if, indeed, it was her, it would involve stopping, lubing, greasing, adjusting, testing, etc.) “um…no?”

jer: (grumpy face) “hmm.” (keeps riding)

jess: (continues riding, when zooming up beside her comes a scruffy-looking, maybe homeless? guy, with a beater bike and a trailer full of cans he’s clearly going to recycle.)

scruffy-looking, maybe homeless? guy: (gives a grin that’s missing 4-7 teeth) “it was me.” (continues to zoom past jer & blows the next two stop signs.)

jess: (pulls up beside jer) “he totally heard you say that.”

jer: “well, that was a terrible sound. no bike in MY fleet would sound like that.”

my new best friend.

Mon, 04 May 2009 21:40:00 -0700

after a hell of a week, jer & i headed over to loyly to unwind. sunday afternoons are coed at the swedish spa and usually full of couples. jer & i walked in, suited up & started to sweat out the week immediately upon entering the sauna.

we came out for some air & i noticed a rather large, rather hairy, rather sweaty man…with an AMPERSAND tattooed on his back!

he walked into the sauna & i followed, cause i’m a creep:

jess: “i like your tattoo…i have one too.” (i stand up & turn to point it out, as though it’s not noticeable enough when i’m in a bikini.)

(long pause.)

ampersand man: “i guess we’re redundant.”

(end of conversation. we sat there & sweated together in silence for another 15 minutes. CLEARLY we’re besties.)